Not-so-profound-papapost

I've been waiting and waiting to write anything because I wanted it to be the most deep profound thoughts on being a new papa, but I can't think of anything.

Abby is very healthy, and I think she's super cute.

Being a papa is a great responsibility, but so far has not been nearly the nightmare I thought it would be. I can do all the major things, save one -- feed Abby.

I have changed diapers, changed onesies, washed Abby's clothes, and her arms, and her hair. I have swaddled her (it's just like making a fajita, but easier because the shell is actually long enough for the stuffing). I have learned to hold her and sway and bounce to make her happy.

I have also learned what not to do to babies, but I cannot post it here for fear of child abuse allegations.

Papa without an accent means potato in spanish.

Here's Abby with hiccups:

Come, Now Is The Time

... to be born!

I went through every hymn in the song book I have that has the word "Come" in it -- trying to convince baby to come out. Played it on the piano and sung aloud -- changed most of the lyrics. Jesus I Come became "Out of the darkness, into the the light, Baby Please come... Baby Please Come, out of mom's tummy, into our lives, Baby please come today."

She didn't listen.

Sang 2nd verse of Because He Lives -- about how precious it is to hold a newborn baby, and feel the pride they bring. She didn't come.

She's now two days late. That's 10% off per day.

God's timing is perfect though. He never gives us a challenge that we are not ready to meet.

The Calm Before The Storm

This morning, as I type in my grades at 4:45, I hear the wind begin rustling around the house. It's going to storm today -- big rains and 40mph winds expected. It's relatively quiet right now -- I can hear the clocks ticking away, and Ninja breathing on the sofa next to me. I can even hear Carrie breathing in the other room, poor girl is having trouble sleeping.

I realize that I'm experiencing a calm before the storm. I'm not ready to take my shower and move on with the day today -- I'm expecting it to be a tough day at school. I'm behind on grading, and only a day ahead with plans and assignments. Exam's and exam review guides are due Wed, and you guessed it -- not finished yet.

I realize I'm also facing a calm before the storm on another front. Carrie and I are quite comfortable taking care of ourselves, but any day now we will add another responsibility to our plates. Yesterday we watched as my cousin had to spank and "No" her son several times in the course of a meal. We watched as he slipped away from view during softball games, and ended up in the parking lot in front of and behind cars. I watched as he nearly fell over backwards out of her arms in front of me and my heart skipped a beat as I tried to catch him. I'm not ready to move into that storm. A car pulled in front of us on the way home and again my reflexes kicked in and startled me nearly to tears.

Well, its starting to rain, so I must be going.

Smother's Day

Another mother's day come and gone. I was hoping this year would be different. I thought the excitement of Carrie being a mom would smother all disappointment and grief I felt at mom being gone. While I admit this year was the numbest I've had -- I didn't cry (and no I'm not bragging here, I kind of wish I had) this year for the first time -- I didn't feel excitement for Carrie. Maybe that will come when I can actually see the baby, which I strongly believed I'd have held by now.

I just felt confused all day long. A large part of me was mad because Carrie wasn't a real mom yet -- I've longed so much the past two weeks for the baby. I knew she was going to come the last two weeks, like I knew she'd be a girl earlier. But anger? Really? Why should I be mad? Impatient I guess. Anxious. Nervous. Uncertain. Scared.

I was also confused regarding my mom and step-mom. As happy as I am for dad having found someone that makes him happy again, I haven't exactly hit it off with my step-mom yet. I don't know if I ever will either. I still feel a lot of jealousy I think because dad used to spend so much time here in Belding, and with us. Now I'm lucky if I see him once a week. Not to mention the changes being made in "the lakehouse". They look nice -- but its not the same house it used to be. A part of me feels like every memory of mom is being smothered out -- painted over, tiled over, removed and sold on craigslist. And the other part of me realizes this is just part of moving on -- a healthy stage of grieving. Just wish I could show the same excitement as everyone else does.

A Beautiful Lawn

I don't know why it bothers me so, but I've been really discouraged lately about my lawn. Honestly, I couldn't care less about my lawn right now as I don't have time or reason to play in it or use it. But it's full of nasty crab grass, bare patches, and really tall grass. It looks awful. I see the other lawns in the neighborhood looking fairly good, and can't help but compare them to mine. I don't have a lawn mower, nor is there budget for one.

Why do I care what everyone thinks of my lawn? Why do I "hear" all my neighbors as they drive by wondering about 'who the slob that lives in 240 Pineview must be'. It's not that I'm a lazy guy who sits around blogging and watching tv all day. I work hard -- lately its been 16 hour days -- I just can't seem to accomplish it all and still have time to reduce the height of the blades of grass in my lawn by 33%. And I don't have the money to pay someone else to do it for me! If it bothers you so much, cut it yourself! (that's the screaming I do in my head when I'm combatting the neighbors voices i hear in my head).

By the way, no neighbors have said anything or given me any reason to think they actually feel that way.... Why do I feel like they do? Why do I feel constantly under attack? I feel the same way at school too -- like many of my students, and their parents -- see all the things I don't do, or the promises I break because I run out of time. Why don't I dwell on the positives! Why is the glass so half empty?

Coping With My Wife's New Job

I've been spoiled -- for the last 5 years my wife and I have carpooled to work and back. It has been so wonderful to have 1.5 hours a day just sitting next to my wife. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just sit and listen to the radio. Sometimes we play Wordominos, where you link one word to the next, and come up with a long chain like "marshmallow yellow snow mobile" and see how long a chain you can make it.

The last four weeks Carrie has spent more days at home -- and this week is her first full time week at home. The car rides have been so much quieter and longer now that she's not there.

But it's not all bad.... Today I came home to food on the table, which was great. And I think I will learn to appreciate being able to stay at school later and get more work done there-- hopefully I won't have to do as much at home in the future. I'm sure that any difficulties I have finding motivation to work at home now will simply be amplified once my baby girl has me wrapped around her finger. (Isn't her fingers going to be wrapped around mine? Oh well)

Lazy Saturday Worries

Struggled today with dealing with the emotions of upcoming fatherhood.

Today was one of Carrie and I's last free weekends together before little "Aurora Laura" enters our world and flips it upside down. I felt we should have spent it doing something really amazing. Instead, it was a pretty lazy day. Finally got up enough motivation to assemble the jogging stroller for the baby -- and it was a fail. The front wheel wobbles uncontrollably, and though I'm following the directions, the screw won't tighten and I can't seem to fix it. It shouldn't upset me, but I just keep thinking about soon I won't be able to fix things like why my daughter is crying. The frustration was almost literally paralyzing.

Thankfully Carrie and I had enough wits amongst us to get out of the house for a while. Went to the cousin's house and hung around with them and their little ones. There's no better cure for not wanting to follow through with your baby than to go and play with others' babies. Got to play with Adelle again, swinging her around and playing in the sand. Got to feed her and her cousin Halle. Even got to take Halle on a ride in the new stroller -- which works well enough.

So, though my wife and I cried and felt like giving up on the whole baby thing at 4:30, by 8:30 I was ready to see and hold my little kicker again.