I was sitting around on the 4th while everyone was out on the boats and my wife and baby were napping. I was sick of playing chess against the computer and wanted to do something. I thought I should turn some music on -- because that always brightens my spirits, and then thought -- hey! there's corn here that I could help clean! That would be great -- listen to some music and clean the corn!
But as soon as I got my radio on and bags ready for the corn clippings and pulled my first leaf off, I felt it.
My step-mom yelled in super-fast dutch "No! No! No! something something something..."
Then my sister translated "No! No! No! What are you doing! We were going to grill them in the husks! Now we can't do that! You idiot!"
Remember -- they were in the boat, so they didn't actually say that -- these are the voices I hear in my head.
Anyway -- I decided that these voices probably weren't true -- but still struggled with cleaning for a few minutes -- wondering if I would "get caught" cleaning any minute now. Then I would be in big trouble.
Then later -- as I was getting about 60% done, I started hearing from the dinner table "There's all these hairs on my corn." "Yeah, I hate those stupid hairs." "Who forgot to remove these hairs!"
Seriously.
Why can I not even do one act of service now without getting attacked with voices of doubt. I choose songs for a service and instantly hear people complaining. I step up to the plate and hear "another pop fly coming -- better get my glove ready to go on defense." I set up a VBS skit stage and hear the kids "That's not a boat!" or "There's somebody under that table!" I assign homework and I hear the kids saying "It's too hard" or "I already learned this" or "It took me two hours!" or I hear parents say "How come your class is the only class that..."
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On another note -- Pastor Ron talked about complainers and "nitpickers" who just sit on the sidelines in a church. I have the perfect job for them -- husking corn. You have to be such a hairpicker to get all those little pieces of silk -- it would be so easy for some people.
I can empathize with you, and though I don't like saying this frequently, I understand where you're coming from. There have been many times in my life where I feel I can't do anything right and so I just give up and do nothing, instead I pick up a book and ignore everything else, including my responsibilities. Often this can get me out of a funk, like your music, but sometimes I finish the book and wish I had ten more. All I hear from people at those times are negatives, even when they're trying to be comforting or uplifting, what I get from it is that they pity me and they think their words can help... I hate the idea of pity and needing help from others. In softball my brother Kenny would often tell me what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do instead, what I heard was "you're imperfect" and it would frustrate me and make me so angry and sad, it would make me want to give up. What was worse was when others would lie to me and say 'good game', that just made me mad and I'd get into a funk.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what will get you out of this funk because I don't know what is causing it. Is it actually something tangible you can deal with, or is it just being depressed? I've found for myself that there are a few things I can do, and none of them can have anything to do with competition, because I'm much too competitive in life. Sometimes I just imagine myself roundhouse kicking the funk in the face multiple times, and my will power is enough to get me to a point where I can figure something else out. Sometimes I need to just take a bath and relax where I don't think of a thing in the world. Sometimes I go for a walk or a run by myself. Sometimes I just have to let it work itself out of me.
Know that you're loved, not just by Carrie, but by Tim and me as well. Know that God doesn't care if you can husk corn properly, hit a line drive, pick the perfect songs, or be the perfect husband and father. God sees you as pure and perfect already. In God's eyes you are His, you belong to Him, and nothing you do or say can ever separate you from Him, even if you were trying.
How is it that God gave me two best friends who are so similar? :) On Monday night at our softball games, when you were having a really rough time, I told Debbie & Tim I didn't know what to do for you... So I asked D, if that were you out there, what would you want Tim to do for you?
ReplyDeleteI've learned sometimes you just need silent support. If I'm not saying something about your situation, it's not because I'm saying bad things in my head (and adding to the voices you think you hear), it's because I'm giving you space and waiting for you to feel the need to come to me. I won't push into your space before you're ready.