Monday, May 10, 2010

Smother's Day

Another mother's day come and gone. I was hoping this year would be different. I thought the excitement of Carrie being a mom would smother all disappointment and grief I felt at mom being gone. While I admit this year was the numbest I've had -- I didn't cry (and no I'm not bragging here, I kind of wish I had) this year for the first time -- I didn't feel excitement for Carrie. Maybe that will come when I can actually see the baby, which I strongly believed I'd have held by now.

I just felt confused all day long. A large part of me was mad because Carrie wasn't a real mom yet -- I've longed so much the past two weeks for the baby. I knew she was going to come the last two weeks, like I knew she'd be a girl earlier. But anger? Really? Why should I be mad? Impatient I guess. Anxious. Nervous. Uncertain. Scared.

I was also confused regarding my mom and step-mom. As happy as I am for dad having found someone that makes him happy again, I haven't exactly hit it off with my step-mom yet. I don't know if I ever will either. I still feel a lot of jealousy I think because dad used to spend so much time here in Belding, and with us. Now I'm lucky if I see him once a week. Not to mention the changes being made in "the lakehouse". They look nice -- but its not the same house it used to be. A part of me feels like every memory of mom is being smothered out -- painted over, tiled over, removed and sold on craigslist. And the other part of me realizes this is just part of moving on -- a healthy stage of grieving. Just wish I could show the same excitement as everyone else does.

1 comment:

  1. I am so glad you guys came to eat this sunday, i didnt really want to go, and it helped me having you there.

    I am not going to say i know how you feel, cause we all feel different. But many times i feel this way too. I know that i show excitement, and join in when everyone else is talking about all the "great" new changes. But many times deep inside i am not at all feeling what i am saying. I say things and support dad and trudy cause i know he needs that sometimes. but i cry at night when i am all alone in this huge house that doesnt even feel like my house anymore. i wish that i could be done with this stage of my life, so i could live in my own house, and have the comfort of a spouse and my own goals and aspirations. but for now, its finish school and live in a strange place, and hardly ever see my family.

    I feel lonely too. as soon as school is done i will work at coming out to your house and spending more time with you. i know i am your annoying little sister, and not your loving dad- but maybe it will help both of us. (oh and dont ever be afraid to just say, "riss its time for you to go home" i'll understand)

    I love you dear brother.

    praying for god's peace and strength for you as you wait on seeing your childs face, and holding her in your arms. I cant say the right words, but i pray that god gives you peace.


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